Re-cap of the past month...

I know its been over a month sense I posted last...Things got a bit busy right around my last post...On Monday June 6th I got a call back from an app I turned in to be a pre-school teacher at Kindercare...On Tuesday I had an interview that I felt went really well...They told me they were interviewing a lot of people so they would call me back sometime next week...Wednesday the 8th was Sierra's 8th birthday...Kinda an emotional day but I felt like I was doing really well...While I was at the grocery store that day I got a call from Kindercare telling me I got the job and they wanted me to start next week...I was so excited and get very emotional at the same time...I dont get emotional very easily and hardly ever in public...So here I am in the grocery store with Hayden and Xander with tears running down my face...People must have thought I was crazy...Anyways I started my job the next Wednesday and life has been crazy crazy crazy ever sense...My first 2 weeks of work Jeff was also working for our kids got a little neglected...Jeff slept during the day while the kids kinda over ran the house...June 30 was Jeffs last day of work and he has been staying home with the kids...He starts school full time in Sept...I have to say sense Jeff started staying home with the kids my house has been clean the dishes done and the laundry folded and out away...He is way better at house work than I am...He has also been watching his little brother Eric (not an easy task)...I have been working a lot and have decided that pre-school isn't my passion anymore...Don't get me wrong I go to work with a smile on my face and I work my hardest and treat the kids with the love and respect that I would want my kids treated with but I come home grumpy and tired and worn out every day...I haven't been
exactly nice to my kiddos and I'm really trying to be better...

So we have had a few fun weekends sense I stated working...The weekend of the 4th we went to the lake with Jeff's family and had a BBQ and went tubing on his uncle Darren's boat...The kids had a blast as did Jeff and I...The water was freezing...Not just cold but FREEZING...I got dumped of the tube and thought i my just freeze to death before the boat got back to me...On the actual 4th we spent the day at the park with Darren and Nikki having a BBQ...then we drove to CDA and walked miles and miles to watch the fireworks...It was a lot of fun and the kids got to do sparklers for the first time ever...

This last weekend Sky and Ash went to the trailer with my parents and Hayden and xander stayed the night with Linda...Jeff and I went out to Texas Roadhouse for Nikki's Birthday...The food was so good and we ate too much...

Skyler goes to Cub Scout day camp 3 days next week and the week after Sky and Ash got to Summer camp...Time is flying by so fast... soon school will be starting again...

Happy 8th Birthday Sierra...

Sierra was born June 8th 2003 at Valley Hospital in Spokane Washington. She weighted 8lbs. 3oz. and was only 17 in. long...She was our 3rd child...Skyler and Ashlynn were so excited to have a new baby in the house...When she was born the doctor that checked her out heard a small heart murmur...They were not concerned because this is very common in new babies...They just wanted to see her back at 2 wks and check it again...We took our sweet baby home...The first week home was a little crazy, not because we had a new baby or 3 kids in diapers...We were packing to move into a much bigger apartment...I am sad to say that that first week is kind of a bluer...I do remember my dad picking us up to take Sierra for her 7 day PKU test in his truck and squeezing all 3 car seats into the back seat of his truck...We got mostly moved and started getting the kids rooms set up...2 cribs in 1 room for the girls and a toddler bed in the other for Skyler...We were so excited for Ashlynn to have a sister and only 16 months younger than her...I remember going out and buying matching outfits for them and being so excited to dress them alike...Skyler and Ashlynn seemed to be so good during these first 2 weeks (as good as a 2 1/2 year old and 16 month old can be)...I took Sierra to Church all 3 Sundays she was home...1 Sunday taking the other 2 kiddos as well by my self...Kim held Sierra and snuggled her while I tried to keep the other 2 quiet...When her 2 week apt came I wasn’t nervous at all that there would be something wrong...When Dr. Ashley checker her heart the murmur was still there so we were referred to a cardiologist...On Friday that week we had an appointment to see him...Jeff was going out of town on a campout with the scouts and I wasn’t worried so I sent him to go. At that appointment we found out that sierra had 2 small problems with her heart and 1 major problem...she had a small hole in her heart, a thick wall in her heart and her pulmonary valve wasn’t working right... I remember holding her hand while they did her echo...It took almost an hour and she cried the whole time...The tech was kind of frustrated that I couldn’t get her to stop crying...As soon as they were done and I picked her up she stopped...She was such a snuggly little thing...The doctor said that they wanted us back at the hospital Monday morning so they could do a heart cath to open her valve up so her heart could pump correctly...They said that the hole would problem fix its self over a few years..This was just suppose to be an over night stay...I didn’t get upset at this news and the doctor said :this is where the parents freak out and cry and yell at the doctor." I told him that we trusted that they knew what they were doing and that it was in the Lords hands...We took Sierra home and finished moving and did more unpacking...Monday morning we had to be at the Hospital super early...I couldn’t feed Sierra the night before so she was very fussy...They had a really hard time getting an IV started and she was screaming so they had me hold her while they tried again...While she was screaming a little vein popped up in her head and the nurse stuck it and got it started...Ivs in the head are funny looking...They were able to give her something to calm her down and I just got to hold her and rock her until she went down for her cath...Her cath took longer than they were expecting and when the doctor came out he told us that they went able to fix the valve and it was going to require Open heart surgery...We also found out later that the reason her cath took so long is because she crashed on the table when they put her out...We met her back up in her room and she was still on a vent...At the time I thought wow that’s a lot of tubes for my little baby (boy was I wrong, this was just the beginning)...

We met with so many doctors and surgeons and they scheduled her surgery in 2 days...They were able to take her off the vent a short time after she got back to her room and as she started to wake up she pulled the IV out of her head...They couldn’t get another line started so they had to call a surgeon in to do a cut down line in her leg...After they were done getting her new lines in and getting her settled for her stay I got to hold her and feed her and snuggle her for hours...If I had known this was the last time I would hold her I would have held her all night and I wouldn’t have let her go...If I would have known that this was the last time I would heard her cry I would have listened to it a little longer...She was so sweet and content you would have never known how sick she really was...The morning of July 3rd they took her down to surgery...We were told that her surgery went very well...They fixed her valve and the hole in her heart...We were told that now we just wait for her to get better and we would problem in the hospital for a week...I remember walking into her room and there being doctors and nurses everywhere...You could early see Sierra because she was buried in tubes and lines...She was on a vent again and heavily sedated...She had 2 chest tubes and a central line...And still I didn’t get overly upset...

The doctors knew what they were doing and they were keeping my baby alive...That night Sierra started getting really sick...Most people come off the vent before they ever go back to their room she needed hers...Her kidneys failed and she was put on dialyses...Her heart started to have arrhythmias...They had to keep her sedated all the time because when she would start to wake up too much she would crash...She couldn’t be moved or her heart would go in to crazy rhythms...2 days after her surgery they decided to open her chest back up and leave it open to relieve some of the pressure...This kind of worried us...It is a little unsettling to think of your child laying in their hospital bed with their chest wide open for a few days...But it was what was best for her so back down to surgery she went...When she came back it didn’t look as bad as were expecting...

After a week they were able to close it back up but she wasn’t getting any better...At one point they decided that they needed to do another cath lab to create a new hole in her heart to allow the blood to flow from one side to the other more freely...They thought this may help her heart to stay full of blood and pump correctly...She was so unstable that they went even sure she would survive the procedure but there was no other choose...She had only been back a short time when the doctor came back in...In my mind I thought for sure she had died...He said they got into her heart and there was already a hole there...They didn’t even have to touch her heart...This was a huge blessing...The next few weeks were up and down (mostly down)...The doctors couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t getting any better and why her body was reacting the way it was...She was a fighter though...On a few occasions her heart stopped and they had to use the crash cart to revive her...There is nothing more scary than watching them do cpr and shock your baby...Her lung collapsed at one point and she needed a new chest tube...Her vent got clogged and thanks to a very quick nurse a new tube was put in with out a problem...She retained so much fluid...Her liver started to fail and she got toxic...

Her feet and hands turned purple at one point because her heart wasn’t pumping enough blood to them...The worst part was that we could hold her...All we could was sit by her bed and hold her hand...We had so many visitors everyday...People all over were praying for her...I stayed at the hospital everyday and night with her...And finally Aug. 1st she was starting to make some improvements...they took her off the dialysis and were able to turn her vent down...She had had 2 good nights in a row...On the night of the 2nd Jeff and I decided that I should go home and sleep for the first time in almost 5 weeks and he would stay with her...This was really hard for me to leave her there...But she was in good hands and Daddy was with her...I got home and was exhausted so I went to bed...At about midnight I got a call from Jeff saying that she wasn’t doing very good and I needed to get back to the hospital...I didn’t drive at this time so my dad came and picked me up while my mom stayed with the kids...When I got to the hospital she was not in good shape at all...They decided that they would start her back on the dialysis in the morning and they hoped this would help...On Aug 3rd they put in a new dialysis cath and started up again...The process went like this...They would fill her belly up with a fluid and leave it for about 30 min then they would drain it in hopes that they could drain off more fluid then they put in...and this went on all day every day...Sunday afternoon they started this again...They filled her up and when it was time to drain only a little bit came out then it stopped...they decided to put more in so the pressure would drain the fluid (I guess this happens sometimes)...About this time Jeff and I decided to go get some dinner and let them work on her...We sat and ate and talked and just enjoyed being with each other...When we got off the elevator on her floret I could here the alarms but didn’t think much of it till I came around the corner and saw that they were working on Sierra...She had crashed again...Instead of standing and watching again we went and sat in the Family Crisis room...A short time later the Doctor came in with tears in his eyes and told us that she didn’t make it...They went able to get her heart to start again...When they filled her belly up with the extra fluid her heart went into arrhythmias again and then it stopped...Our baby was gone...We had fought so hard for 5 weeks and she was gone...We made a few phone calls and they went to her room to see her...They had scalded her in a blanket and I got to hold her for the first time in 4 weeks...She looks like a sleeping doll...My dad came to the hospital to help us take all our things home...I am so thankful that Jeff was there with me when it happened...After we left the hospital and went home, The nurses took turns holding her and saying good-bye to her...They loved her so much and took care of her so well...We buried our baby on Aug. 8th 2003 in Baby Land at Pines Cemetery...I miss her...Jeff misses her...Skyler misses her and most of all Ashlynn misses her sister...We know that we will see her again and that she is watching over us...She would have been 8 years old today...I think her and Ashlynn would have looked a lot alike...they would have been best friends and the worst of enemies...She will forever be in out hearts...

May

Hello May...Good bye May...bring on summer!!!

Spring Break...

Yeah!!!!! I survived spring break...All 4 kids home from school for a week and babysitting jeff's little brother Eric...Woo Hoo...I'm so glad it's over!!! That's all for now...

Chest Pain and ER visit...

So with all the stress I have been enduring I have also been having some chest pain...It started Sunday afternoon and I chalked it up to the stress...I didn't want to go to the Dr and just have them tell me your fine and get sent home so I thought I'd tough it out...By Thursday it was worse and my whole body was starting to hurt...So I called my Dr to see if they could get me in for a check up...Because of my family heart history I was sent straight to Sacred Heart ER...My dad drove me down there because they told me it wasn't safe to drive myself...My dad HATES hospitals but he was very willing to come sit with me while I under went all the tests and pokes...2 EKGs...Blood work...Drinking nasty stuff...Lots of IV drugs...And an amazing pain killer that made me feel great as long as I didn't move...All my heart tests came back fine so they are sure its my stomach...My chest cavity is inflamed so I'm now on a steroid and I'm taking a scrip for my reflux...I will be checked for a hiatal hernia soon....When I got discharged I got really sick...I puked my guts out on the way home and again when i got home...Then I laid down in bed and slept for a few hours...2 days later I'm still feeling a little woozy and having pain...Hoping to get into my Dr this week and get some relief...

Super Stress...

I'm starting to feel a very heavy load building on my shoulders...

Skyler has been pushing his limits and struggling with anger, depression, and so many other emotions...Jeff and I are not sure how to help him and have completely run out of ideas...We have decided that he needs to see a counselor before it becomes something bigger...I am feeling extremely overwhelmed with this right now...We had a 2 hr appointment with Spokane Mental Health today and they are sure he qualifies for services...

ok breath...I keep telling my self this...but my chest feels heavy...

Lets pile a little more on my load, it isn't heavy enough...

Last year we found out that Ashlynn was really struggling with reading...She was tested at a year and a half behind...We (as in Ashlynn and I) worked out tails off studding and working extra hard so she could catch up enough to pass 2nd grade...Our work paid off and she was moved on to 3rd grade...She started 3rd grade at a beginning 2nd grade reading level...This qualified her to get 21 hrs of reading tutoring from Sylvan Learning Center...She thrived and made so many gains in the Sylvan program...But we are now learning that she is not making progress in the right areas...Letters and numbers are still being formed backwards, Hand writing is still extremal hard to read, Spelling is almost un readable...I have been pushing for 2 years to have her tested and finally they are listening...She may have to be in Special Education Classes to get extra help...She works so hard...It kills me to see her struggle so much with simple reading...There are days she comes home from school and all she does is work on school work and read...

There are days I want to just stay in my bed and not deal with it...Honestly that is most days...But I cant...I'm forced to get up and be a wife and mother...I feel like I'm drowning some days...There is so much going on...I have a feeling we are in for a long summer of tutoring and appointments and a million other things besides fun...I know its a ways of but I'm dreading it...

SUPER STRESS...it hurts...

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me today...32...Things I want to do this year...Get closer to my kids...Get closer to Jeff...Read a book...Go somewhere I've never been...Take 10,000 pictures...Loose weight...Eat healthier...Scrapbook with pictures...Go to a concert...Stay in touch with friends better...Buy a French Horn...Start playing the French Horn again...Learn something new...Crochet dresses for the hospital...Go camping a lot...Take time for myself...and I'm sure a million other things...

Picture at the top if of the kids and I at the Pacific Science Center in Seattle...